Ah, Valentine’s Day — the day of love. Or is it?
That’s what it’s ”supposed” to represent, isn’t it? Romantic gestures, special dinners, thoughtful gifts (often of the red and heart-shaped variety), heartfelt cards, nervous admissions of love, grand proposals, roses, and of course — chocolate. Many couples still enjoy the day as a celebration of their love, but some view the 14th of February as just another day. And for increasingly more people, this day represents consumerism and superficial displays for the gram. But there is one group of people for whom Valentine’s Day is not just a regular or merely annoying day; for many single people, this is a day to duck their head and survive.
While coupled people are excitedly planning dinners and vacations, out shopping for the perfect gift, and posting photos of their engagement rings with long captions about how happy they are, single people are at home or at work, just watching. No cards, no status updates about how loved and adored we are, and no flowers with a sweet note. Is it any wonder we loathe this day, eagerly waiting for it to end so we can stop being reminded we’re alone and just get to the discounted chocolate already?
How are we supposed to cope?
Tactics that fail
Here are a few things I’ve tried (which didn’t work). Maybe you’ve tried these too.
1. Avoid it
Ignore it altogether. Don’t listen to the radio, change the channel when commercials for Tiffany’s or Lindt come on, and most importantly, STAY. OFF. INSTAGRAM.
2. Mock it.
Tell everyone who’ll listen how terrible Valentine’s Day is; talk about how commercialized it’s become, how useless it is because couples should show their affection all-year-round, or how much it sucks to be single. Tweet about the real holiday worth celebrating — February 15th: discounted chocolate day (yeah, I like this day).
3. Find a placeholder
Rush into a relationship to avoid being single, or put off breaking up with that person you know is wrong for you until a few weeks later. You figure being dissatisfied with somebody is better than feeling miserable alone.
Have you tried any of these? How’d it go?
Did they work for you? They sure as hell didn’t for me. Avoidance was just impossible — reminders always popped up, and trying to suppress just made me obsess more. Cynicism was exhausting, and besides, it didn’t actually distract me from my pain. Passing the time with someone I didn’t belong with wasn’t much of an upgrade over being alone; in fact, sometimes it even made things worse, because not only did I spend Valentine’s Day with a constant reminder that I’m not with who I want to be with, I also disrespected myself by settling for less than I deserve (and not to mention, used someone else). All in all, I just ended up feeling more alone.
These tactics have two things in common:
1) They don’t actually ease the pain
2) They don’t solve your real problem — your loneliness.
Maybe you’re thinking, ”so, what is she suggesting, that the answer to my problem is just to not be single anymore?” No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. Your problem is not that you’re single, or even that you’re alone — your problem is that you’re lonely.
You can be alone without feeling lonely, and you can feel lonely when you’re with people.
This is why you’re lonely
You’re fixating on what you feel you’re lacking
This could be a happy day for you if only you’d devote your attention to what you do have, instead of what you don’t. You could make this a Self Love Day, or celebrate “Galentine’s” with your gals (or.. Guy..entine’s… with your guys.. You know what, let’s just call it Friends Day). The day doesn’t have to be about romantic love, and it certainly shouldn’t be about your lack of romantic love. You deserve to enjoy this day, feeling those oh-so-wonderful lovey feelings like so many others are. You should love yourself and date yourself anyway whether you’re single or not. So why not use this time to perfect the art of wooing yourself? (That’s right, I’m bringing this word back.)
You’re discounting the positives.
Count your blessings. You may be single on Valentine’s Day, but at least you’re not stuck in the wrong relationship. You’re ahead of those people settling for less, because you are available for real a connection.
Don’t forget that you have family and friends too! Why not bring your mother some flowers and take her out to lunch? Or get your friend that book you think she’d like? Giving feels better than receiving anyway. But you could go one step further. You could pitch the idea to your loved ones of starting a new, wonderful tradition: celebrating platonic love every February 14th (and of course, buying discounted chocolate the next day. Sorry, I guess I love chocolate a little to much.. I swear that’s the last one).
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be a day of misery or a day to merely survive — it can be a day of love and celebration, of gratitude and of friendship.
You deserve to be happy every day of the year, so don’t let a date on the calendar pull you into a pit of misery and loneliness. Make this day your own. If you’d like to know how, take a page from my playbook: here is how I spend Valentine’s Day — single or not.
I hope you gift yourself a happy Valentine’s Day this year.
